: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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