I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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