I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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