Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize