I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
