You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
