Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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