My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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