I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
