Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You made out with two different species that night
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
