he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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