it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
