she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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