There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
