my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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