Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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