the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
