Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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