he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
