Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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