You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
