my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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