the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
