There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize