I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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