her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
