Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
