Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
