I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
