I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
zippers are such a cool invention
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
