I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
