And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
