rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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