I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize