Where did you get a picture of my penis
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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