okay pat passed out under dana's car
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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