my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
