WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
