if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
