remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
