Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
operation have a gay friend backfired
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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