party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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