I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
