I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
