The maid of honor just puked.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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