just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
