Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
