a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
