what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
