So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
