I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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