The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
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