just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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