Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize