Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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