I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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