im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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