i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
