Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
