when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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