so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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